Monday, December 22, 2008
Hate Mail For Sale, Inc.
Pro writers and editors over at www.sff.net continue to have a good time with my small tale, sharing their own exploits with death threats, extortion, marriage offers, hate mail, and more. Such letters are considered badges of honor. In fact, it was roundly lamented that so much hate mail is unimaginitive and sad.
Someone suggested that we could surely write our own, much improved hate mail. Then we could send it to writers who aren’t receiving their own, sort of like a sick but happy evil Santa. Here are my favorites of the emails written, shared here by permission.
Guess which one is mine own! ;)
Dear Bob,
Your last novel was so bad, I'm sorry I ever had sex with you.
Sincerely --
Your high school (girlfriend/boyfriend)
Dear Moron:
My sphincter still clenches in revulsion at your pathetic efforts to string one word to another. Please stop.
Gently,
A. Reader
Dear Joe,
Since your last novel began with a promising teaser but got duller and duller with every page, I tried reading it backward and was quite gratified by your ability to keep ratcheting up the tension.
Sincerely,
A. Reader
Someone suggested that we could surely write our own, much improved hate mail. Then we could send it to writers who aren’t receiving their own, sort of like a sick but happy evil Santa. Here are my favorites of the emails written, shared here by permission.
Guess which one is mine own! ;)
Dear Bob,
Your last novel was so bad, I'm sorry I ever had sex with you.
Sincerely --
Your high school (girlfriend/boyfriend)
Dear Moron:
My sphincter still clenches in revulsion at your pathetic efforts to string one word to another. Please stop.
Gently,
A. Reader
Dear Joe,
Since your last novel began with a promising teaser but got duller and duller with every page, I tried reading it backward and was quite gratified by your ability to keep ratcheting up the tension.
Sincerely,
A. Reader
Labels: Hate Mail For Sale
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I don't think it will work. The people who bother to send that stuff think they are a lot smarter than they are. I'm sure Katie's owner thought he/she was being really clever instead of stoopid.
Besides, if pro writers got into it we would be seeing restraining orders and an increase in gun sales among other writers.
I'm guessing you were #1. (Bob your last novel was so bad? Hey, waitaminute!)
Hope you had a good Christmas!
Besides, if pro writers got into it we would be seeing restraining orders and an increase in gun sales among other writers.
I'm guessing you were #1. (Bob your last novel was so bad? Hey, waitaminute!)
Hope you had a good Christmas!
Ha ha ha! I love those.
You wrote #2.
The sphincter was a giveaway.
:P
Write more!
You wrote #2.
The sphincter was a giveaway.
:P
Write more!
# posted by 
: December 29, 2008 at 12:14 PM
: December 29, 2008 at 12:14 PM
Hee hee. That was a generic "Bob," Bob, and not directed at you!
Alas, Pennywise clearly knows me too well. I would have thought the Dear Moron salutation would have given me away. Instead, it was the talk of sphincters. My mind is a gutter.
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Alas, Pennywise clearly knows me too well. I would have thought the Dear Moron salutation would have given me away. Instead, it was the talk of sphincters. My mind is a gutter.
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