Ketchup

Pro writers and editors over at www.sff.net continue to have a good time with my small tale, sharing their own exploits with death threats, extortion, marriage offers, hate mail, and more. Such letters are considered badges of honor. In fact, it was roundly lamented that so much hate mail is unimaginitive and sad.

Someone suggested that we could surely write our own, much improved hate mail. Then we could send it to writers who aren’t receiving their own, sort of like a sick but happy evil Santa. Here are my favorites of the emails written, shared here by permission.

Guess which one is mine own! ;)



Dear Bob,

Your last novel was so bad, I'm sorry I ever had sex with you.

Sincerely --

Your high school (girlfriend/boyfriend)



Dear Moron:

My sphincter still clenches in revulsion at your pathetic efforts to string one word to another. Please stop.

Gently,

A. Reader



Dear Joe,

Since your last novel began with a promising teaser but got duller and duller with every page, I tried reading it backward and was quite gratified by your ability to keep ratcheting up the tension.

Sincerely,

A. Reader

Labels: Hate Mail For Sale

So I opened the files. This is the best photo. Honestly. Why bother? I think I would have preferred the artful arrangement alongside a nice hot fresh doggie dump. With a better written email. If you want to be snarky-mean, don’t be snarky-dumb, people. That’s the lesson we’ve all learned today.

The most fun I had with this was that I shared the email on SFF.net and was roundly congratulated for earning my first hate mail by many, many pros. Thanks guys! I want especially to tip my hat to Allen Steele and Lou Anders for always being in my corner. ;)

Labels: Katie The Dog

It's been REALLY busy. The holidays. A cold. A book that just won't STOP because the final action scene is unbelievably AWESOME.

I wasn't going to post about this, but, at the encouragement of my ever-curious buddy Lou Anders, here we go. Following is my email to Lou. I'll try to get around to posting the photos mentioned within tomorrow? Gotta work. More soon!


Hey, Lou, here's an interesting twist. You know not all of the critics and bloggers were thumbs-up about Plague Year -- in fact, there was one memorable rant declaring it a “steaming pile of liberal propaganda,” which is obvious, I guess, since one hero is Latino and another is Jewish -- but, for the most part, reaction was positive. Plague Year is in its third printing. It's sold film rights, audio rights, and major foreign deals.

(Yeah, I’m feeling defensive.)

It’s a brutal book, though, with something to offend everyone. Sex. Violence. Non-white people. You name it.

I’ve always wondered where the hate mail was. Plenty of people have written nasty or at least unenthusiastic things about the book. That's what the net is for, right? But it was never aimed directly at me. Yesterday that email finally showed up.


Dear Jeff:

Regarding your novel Plague Year I was not incredibly impressed. The concept was interesting, however, it was written in a grocery store thriller style. However, as you can see in the attached files, our canine review team thoroughly enjoyed your book. Thank your for the trial copy, and we regret that we will not be able to send it back to you.


You gotta like the informal, size-me-down greeting, the pompous howevers, and the regal use of “we.” Also the “thank your.”

There were two attachments. I didn’t open them, because that just seemed safe, but I assume they were playing fetch with the book or, you know, maybe it had been artfully arranged alongside a nice long dog turd or something.

Three things make me curious.

First, I can account for all of the review copies I mailed out, and this lady wasn’t one of the recipients. The folks at Ace were good about sending review copies to almost anyone who asked, but I can’t imagine that even a self-proclaimed, self-important “book critic” would act this petty. So I have to think this business about a trial copy (?) is pretentious, delusional, or at least oddly-worded. She means she won’t buy any more? Golly.

Second, of course, the big joke is that having my books carried by drug and grocery stores is EXACTLY my goal. “Grocery store thriller style” is high praise. I picture this person as a frustrated would-be Author Of Deep Literature, but, if so, why was she reading Plague Year to begin with? No one would mistake the burning white cover as belonging to profound fiction. For Pete’s sake, the tagline is “The next breath you take will kill you.” It’s entertainment.

Third, why go to such effort in the first place? I don’t think I know this person, so why get personal?

How about some perspective, man? ;>


...to which Lou replied "I say you post the pictures on your website. I wish my detractors were so creative. Dude, you should be proud!"

Hee hee.

Labels: fan mail, hate mail, PLAGUE YEAR, the writing life

It's crunch time. My deadline approacheth! I'm very happy with the plot, the characters, the surprises, the losses and the victories... but I've still got to write the epilogue and do a TRUCKLOAD of editing. So I've given up exercise and shaving, much less wrapping Xmas presents. Or buying them. Screw you guys! I'VE GOT TO FINISH THE BOOK!!!!

In the meanwhile, if by chance you haven't seen it, this short film pretty much summarizes where my head is at these days. ;)

Labels: book trailer, Mind Plague, the writing life

Well, sort of. Here's the first draft of the second map set to run in the front of the book. With corrections. If you click on it here at Ketchup, I believe a larger size image will pop up for close, eagle-eyed scrutiny.

What's happening here? "Motor Pool." "Fences." "Ruth's Hut." It's a mystery. A tantalizing run-to-the-store-and-right-now-and-buy-it mystery! Remembering of course that the book isn't slated for release until December 2009. Woof. Wait a wait.

That is all for now. Bwah HA ha ha ha ha! ;>

Labels: Mind Plague, the writing life

This is no surprise to anyone, ha ha, but in particular I mean that I have a problem with this giant beast of a book. As of today, I have a 500 page manuscript with still the final chapter and an epilogue to write. This is very bad. My editor and my agent will both frown in stern disapproval if I deliver such a monster.

Too much action! That's the issue at hand. I do love to blow me up some helicopters and nuclear warheads, don't I? Yes. Yes, it's true.

Now it's time to buckle down. I'm very happy with the characters and their personal growth, tensions, hopes, failures, and dreams. The plot is nicely tangled and full of high points and reversals. It's the running around shooting each other in the head that needs to be boiled down and tightened up. Still... what to do with those pages?

I was thinking about adding a short list of Deleted Scenes to the Free Fiction page on my web site. But if anyone read them now, it might ruin Mind Plague for them. No sneak peeks allowed! ;P

Labels: Mind Plague, the writing life

Here's a freaky book trailer for The Living Dead, a new anthology edited by my friend and sometime collaborater John Joseph Adams, a.k.a. "The Slush God" and one of the brains over at The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction.

It's been a veeeery busy week and it's only Tuesday! I'm into the final chapters of Mind Plague, Ace has already begun cover concepts for the book, we're still eating turkey from Thanksgiving, and there's plenty of other fun news afoot. More soon.

Labels: The Living Dead anthology book trailer